Captain’s Log: Stardate 10256.7
The Enterprise has returned home from its Around Long Island mission – except this time we didn’t make it Around Long Island. Here’s a quick recap of the events as they unfolded:

Day 1
Laura, Lefty, Jory and I loaded up the ship with food, drinks, gear and safety equipment. The weather report was calling for a beautiful trip around with easterly winds under 10 miles per hour. As we powered down the East River at Warp 9.3 (passing cars on the FDR Drive,) Lefty took pride in stating how ready she was for this trip. She explained she had all sorts of preventive scents and ginger roots to keep her from getting sick. We arrived at Ground Zero in New York City in record time, perhaps a good omen of the race yet to come.

Day 2
Full crew on board, we power out of North Cove Marina and set course for the starting area. The weather starting getting rough and Dave was yelling out “Rogue Wave!” more often than not. We all put on our foul weather gear (except Dave who remained in shorts.)

Before the start, the winner of this year’s A-Ralph Long Island Regatta award was Lefty, who hugged the rail coughing up breakfast, last night’s dinner, yesterday’s lunch, a few tin cans and a uterus. No scented sprays or organic roots were going to save her from several hours of misery. I was afraid to eat anything because she might throw it up. A honorable second place in this series goes to Jory.

Several years ago, Richard, during similar conditions, fell out of the head with his pants down – a moment that we believed would never be topped. This year, Laura topped it when, after using the head to do a #1, the Enterprise hit a wave, causing the contents of the head to splash up towards her. Had she still been sitting on the bowl, this would not be a big deal, but, instead, Laura was facing the bowl, bending towards it, ready to flush. A special note to all single men out there: She’s a great girl and a fantastic catch, but I wouldn’t kiss her on the face anytime soon.

A quick check on the weather radio and we received confirmation that the winds and wave heights were going to continue throughout the day and evening. Five hours would be fine. Nine hours would be exhausting. Twenty hours was out of the question. I decided, 10 miles or so into the race, that the Enterprise would withdraw from the Around Long Island Regatta. There was not a lot of dissension from the crew.

We took a mooring at Sheepshead Bay in Brooklyn. Once there, we ate dinner and had birthday cake (Happy Birthday Laura!) The highlight of the night was Laura’s gift (picked out by Patty;) a six-foot inflatable penis. Laura blew the penis for about 20 minutes (was it a personal best?) and then the three women on board sat on it until it deflated a short while later (then again, how many penises can handle three women and not be “deflated” after a short while?) Once everything was secure, almost half of the crew went home to their own beds. The rest of us remained on board, listened to music and watched Richard cheat at Gin Rummy.

Oh yes. And Ernie boldly snored like no man has snored before.

Day 3
We woke at 6:00am and readied the ship for a trip back up the East River. It was still a bit breezy, but we sailed a good part of the way. Judging by the wind speeds as we entered Long Island Sound, it was a good decision to withdraw from the race.

The Enterprise was back home by noon. Laura and Patty are remaining on board to restore the Enterprise to Wednesday Night Racing operating condition and perhaps practice on Galileo for next week’s Women Skippers Race.

This Wednesday will be Lefty’s last Wednesday Night on board the Enterprise before she flies off to Greece with her family and pukes on a airplane. We hope to see her back when she returns.

Captain’s Log: Stardate 10254.5
In truly wonderful conditions, the Enterprise did very well last night. Good tactical decisions and amazing spinnaker work had us in a strong first place on the second leg by buoy 46A. If only the race ended there. For a reason still unknown, the tactical victory we made on the first leg was reversed on the third leg costing us two positions. The Enterprise finished third behind USS Hub Bub and the Klingon ship Desperado.

The spinnaker team has been doing very well and perhaps a move to division 5 next year is in order. Dave and Jory have the foredeck under control. Laura and Mitch have been doing a fabulous job with spinnaker trim and Patty and Lefty are able to repack the chute and run control lines at warp speed. There was a time when a second spinnaker set was a concern – now it’s no big deal.

I am also happy to report, despite Captain Ernie Bivona’s commissioning of a new USS Eagle, Ensign Mitch Nochlin will be staying on board the Enterprise. I am pleased because Mitch is learning fast and doing great guy work. The crew is pleased because they’ll continue to get sushi and sun chips.

Ensign Lefty asked me if it was all right for her to stay on board the Enterprise overnight with Laura. Speculation began on what was going to happen between the two of them, alone on a sailboat with plenty of line on board. I’ll have to register and design a new website: So, what really did happen last night? In anticipation of such an event (although I really thought Patty would be the lesbian) I installed a webcam in the V-berth.

Incredible 23rd-Century technology has provided me with a way to include the webcam image in the Captain’s Log for posterity. Unfortunately, probably due to battery drainage, they kept the lights off, and we’ll never know.

I was able to retrieve audio however, and it seems Laura is a moaner, not a screamer. Then again, it’s possible that Lefty was elsewhere and that could be from the sunburn on her shoulders.

Captain’s Log: Stardate 10254.0
Thanks to Richard, we have secured orbiting rights at the marina near Battery Park for the evening before the Around Long Island Regatta, just a few steps away from Ground Zero. I’ll be looking for volunteers to help load up the Enterprise for the mission and the Wednesday voyage past Manhattan.

I’m looking into a shuttle for those who want to leave their cars at City Island on Thursday morning down to the Battery Park marina.

The weekend following the Around Long Island, the Enterprise will compete in the Women Skippers Race with Lt. Laura “Babe” Heald at the helm. The race is no longer referred to as the “Lady Skippers Race” because of the definition of “Lady.” As Ensign Lefty explains: a lady is a woman w/ refined habits and gentle manners associated w/ breeding and culture, or a well-behaved young girl, or a woman especially when spoken of or to in a polite way, or a woman to whom a man is romantically attached. Thank goodness for the name change, otherwise we wouldn’t qualify. On a related note, there is talk amongst the crew of switching key positions normally held by men with the women on board.

Our insurance carrier just went to red alert.

Finally, over the weekend I received a message on my communicator that Ensign Lefty will not be able to make six consecutive races this season starting in early August because she will be out of town. I am sensing some foul activity going on here. It can’t be the dreaded Yardmaster. It can’t be the Klingons or Romulans. Oh no. It must be . . . The Wrath of Aran.

Captain’s Log: Stardate 10252.6
Last night was one of the more exciting Wednesday Nights in recent memory. Initial strong winds and a boom vang failure kept the crew on edge and ready for action.

Missing from the mission were Lt. Deb Weinstock, who felt a little sick/nauseous in the morning (draw your own conclusions there – but Jeff was last seen purchasing a single one-way ticket out of the country) and Ensign Brad Nassau, who would rather spend his time rehearsing to become a lesbian mister (or was that thespian master? We’ll know for sure when his performance debuts.)

Aside from the usual suspects (three of whom were terribly late – and we wonder what they did for Joe to get him to drive the launch out that far – he was smiling) we had a last-minute replacement, Cadet Andy. Andy worked hard, was on time, and gave the mission 100%. It’s a shame he won’t be around for the whole season.

The upwind leg went very well and our spinnaker run was flawless, thanks to the exceptional work by Dave, Jory, Mitch and Laura. The helm was a bit of a challenge to keep the ship from oscillating into a death roll, but their fine work made all the difference. Turning back upwind, in third place, we decided on a sail change to increase power. What will probably go down in history as the worst sail change ever (not in the track, not all the way up, tack not fastened, etc.) our frequent tacks to fix the problem turned into a tactically superior maneuver. We somehow passed the two boats ahead of us and crossed the line first. I’m sure Lt. Commander Dave Beaver will claim that he assessed the situation tactically, and caused the sail change screw-up on purpose, knowing that it would gain ground against our competitors – and we’ll never know if a perfect sail change would have given us the same advantage.

We returned to starbase afterwards, where Patty mooched French fries, Kurt almost fell asleep at the table, and Lefty told us stories of her boyfriend Aran’s “cute hairy shaft” (made of wood, no less), how she used to throw clothes at him when she was angry, and he would put them on. Dave and I concluded that Aran must weight 65 pounds, likes wearing women’s clothing and has a scary pubic hair problem. (of course, that information wouldn’t normally make the log, but Lefty did let us know that Aran does read it.)

Captain’s Log: Stardate 10251.8
Having just returned from a short overnight voyage on the Enterprise, I thought now would be a good time to post an entry regarding a special mission that revolved around the birthday of America. The Enterprise was proud to be part of a large fleet of Federation ships (14 in all) that took standard orbit in the Glen Cove sector for swimming, barbecuing, fireworks and fun for all involved. Included in the fleet were USS Frolic, USS Hub Bub, USS Rubiyat (who had a lot of trouble holding a standard orbit), USS Indecent Proposal, USS Excalibur, USS Chinook and the USS Grandpa.

After experiencing a massive dose of solar radiation, we launched the Galileo, Enterprise’s main shuttlecraft, commanded by Lt. Laura Heald and Ensign Patty McKee. Their mission was clear: a test of skill and speed against USS Frolic’s main shuttlecraft, the Kegger.

The Kegger, piloted by Frolic’s Lt. Martin Tune, sailed circles around the two Enterprise crewpersons in a dazzling and embarrassing display that brought shame to our good ship. Laura explained that she was trying to pilot the Galileo in the same manner as Enterprise, but clearly misunderstood the difference between a starship and a shuttle. In an attempt to restore pride and save face with the rest of the crew, Laura is asking for a rematch. The only question that remains is if Mr. Tune will accommodate.

Captain's Log: Stardate 10250.7
Last night, the Enterprise performed exceptionally well in difficult conditions. Winds were light and shifty - so much so that we successfully performed three spinnaker sets in two consecutive legs.

Ensigns Lefty and Mitch couldn't make it for the journey, but returning again was Lieutenant Deb Weinstock, who suffered an injury during a "bowl-a-rama" when she swung her bowling ball into her own ankle. Clearly Deb's not the brightest dilithium crystal in the warp core.

Our start was top-notch, thanks to Richard, but attention veered away from sail trim to watching the Klingon frigate March Hare (I assume she's a frigate. Everyone's always saying "That frigate March Hare" or something like that) collide with the USS Hub Bub and a few others at the starting pin. What a mess that was - and I'm very happy that we warped away from it in time.

I'd like to note in the log the exceptional work by Dave and Jory on foredeck and the work of Laura (Babe) and Patty in packing and resetting the chute in a short period of time.

However, the highlight of the evening was when, while performing a spinnaker jibe, Deb announced that she's "blowing the guy." Jeff sure is lucky.