Captain’s Log: Stardate 10256.7
The Enterprise has returned home from its Around Long Island mission – except this time we didn’t make it Around Long Island. Here’s a quick recap of the events as they unfolded:

Day 1
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Laura, Lefty, Jory and I loaded up the ship with food, drinks, gear and safety equipment. The weather report was calling for a beautiful trip around with easterly winds under 10 miles per hour. As we powered down the East River at Warp 9.3 (passing cars on the FDR Drive,) Lefty took pride in stating how ready she was for this trip. She explained she had all sorts of preventive scents and ginger roots to keep her from getting sick. We arrived at Ground Zero in New York City in record time, perhaps a good omen of the race yet to come.

Day 2
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Full crew on board, we power out of North Cove Marina and set course for the starting area. The weather starting getting rough and Dave was yelling out “Rogue Wave!” more often than not. We all put on our foul weather gear (except Dave who remained in shorts.)

Before the start, the winner of this year’s A-Ralph Long Island Regatta award was Lefty, who hugged the rail coughing up breakfast, last night’s dinner, yesterday’s lunch, a few tin cans and a uterus. No scented sprays or organic roots were going to save her from several hours of misery. I was afraid to eat anything because she might throw it up. A honorable second place in this series goes to Jory.

Several years ago, Richard, during similar conditions, fell out of the head with his pants down – a moment that we believed would never be topped. This year, Laura topped it when, after using the head to do a #1, the Enterprise hit a wave, causing the contents of the head to splash up towards her. Had she still been sitting on the bowl, this would not be a big deal, but, instead, Laura was facing the bowl, bending towards it, ready to flush. A special note to all single men out there: She’s a great girl and a fantastic catch, but I wouldn’t kiss her on the face anytime soon.

A quick check on the weather radio and we received confirmation that the winds and wave heights were going to continue throughout the day and evening. Five hours would be fine. Nine hours would be exhausting. Twenty hours was out of the question. I decided, 10 miles or so into the race, that the Enterprise would withdraw from the Around Long Island Regatta. There was not a lot of dissension from the crew.

We took a mooring at Sheepshead Bay in Brooklyn. Once there, we ate dinner and had birthday cake (Happy Birthday Laura!) The highlight of the night was Laura’s gift (picked out by Patty;) a six-foot inflatable penis. Laura blew the penis for about 20 minutes (was it a personal best?) and then the three women on board sat on it until it deflated a short while later (then again, how many penises can handle three women and not be “deflated” after a short while?) Once everything was secure, almost half of the crew went home to their own beds. The rest of us remained on board, listened to music and watched Richard cheat at Gin Rummy.

Oh yes. And Ernie boldly snored like no man has snored before.

Day 3
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We woke at 6:00am and readied the ship for a trip back up the East River. It was still a bit breezy, but we sailed a good part of the way. Judging by the wind speeds as we entered Long Island Sound, it was a good decision to withdraw from the race.

The Enterprise was back home by noon. Laura and Patty are remaining on board to restore the Enterprise to Wednesday Night Racing operating condition and perhaps practice on Galileo for next week’s Women Skippers Race.

This Wednesday will be Lefty’s last Wednesday Night on board the Enterprise before she flies off to Greece with her family and pukes on a airplane. We hope to see her back when she returns.