Captain’s Log: Stardate 10259.5
Our weapons were ready. Our shields were up. The intrepid crew of the Starship Enterprise manned their battle stations as we went to red alert. I increased speed to Warp 4 and set course for the USS Frolic. For some reason, instead of having their weapons ready for return fire, the entire crew of the Frolic was wearing grass skirts and dancing a hula to ukulele music being played by their own Martin Tune. We approached, slowed and the order came to fire. Enough firepower was put forth to Frolic that sent their helmsperson Carol Weis running for cover, their Captain attempting to load a bucket to return fire, and the complete saturation of both the ukulele and Martin Tune. We made a few more passes, knowing they would return fire, but to make sure we hit Debra Weinstock (an Enterprise lieutenant that serves on Frolic on weekend missions – and under the Frolic’s commander most evenings) and Rebecca Robb. We then concentrated fire on USS Indecent Proposal, USS Chaika, USS Hub Bub and a few surprise hits on the Klingon battleship Desperado.

Business as usual before the Women Skippers Race.

Prior to departing, the crew ate a good meal and commenced introductions for our two guest replacement crew from the doomed USS Eagle, Tom and Resa. Tom will handle genoa trim and spinnaker guy, while Resa will help with foredeck (as long as there are no bananas up there.) As we ate, Laura and Patty began to blow (up) the six-foot penis. Laura was having some trouble, either from lack of experience or enthusiasm, but Patty quickly made up for it, during which she said she was reminded of high school. (She quickly said it was the song on Q-104 that reminded her of high school, not blowing a large penis, but none of us believed her at that point.) Once fully erect, we mounted the penis on the bow, to let everyone know how excited we were to be doing this race.

Once in the starting area, I gave the conn to Lt. Heald, hoping not to revisit the opening sequence of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, or when Deanna Troi took the helm of the Enterprise-D in Star Trek: Generations crashing it into Veridian III. There was a genuine look of concern from Dave, Jory and Kurt. Dave even sent his shoes overboard, yelling “Save yourselves! Swim to shore!”

With a decent start and shaky winds, the Enterprise performed well on a very long course. In most races, how the boat performs and places at the finish is the measure of a good race. Yet, for this race, the fact that there were no collisions, no injuries and no insurance claims, made for a very successful mission.

In all seriousness though, Laura did very, very well. The race was a real pleasure.

Even moreso if she’d get that penis-blowing thing down.