Captain’s Log: Supplemental
Now that the season is winding down, I’m starting to review the participation and performance of the crew for awards and/or change in rank. To show that there is a method to my madness, I wanted to note down some guidelines:

1. It takes much more time to increase rank in the higher ranks as it does in the lower ones. An increase from Ensign to Lieutenant could take a year or two, or, if your participation is poor, even more. Everyone starts out as an Ensign, and it takes a lot to go downwards from there. However, once in the higher ranks (Lt. Commander and upward,) it could take a few years of dedicated service to advance (otherwise we’d have a boatload of Captain’s. -- even though, by Star Trek V, there were four captains on the Enterprise; Kirk, Spock, Scott and Sulu.)

2. On the other hand, it takes a lot to be demoted from the lower ranks, but not as much to be demoted when higher up. As a high-ranking officer in Star Fleet, much more is expected of you and others depend on your participation and skills. For example, note the differences on board if Brad misses a race versus when Richard or Dave misses a race.

3. It’s not just about participation. Rank promotions are also based on willingness to learn and taking on important positions.

As Captain of the Enterprise, it should be known that each member of the crew is a welcome and vital part to the ship’s operations. Every person on board brings with them a set of skills or personality traits that makes each week a pleasure to be on the water. I established the rank system to show extra appreciation and, at the same time, a chain of command. I’d like to get to the point where, when racing, the operations of the boat (sail trim, tacking, foredeck, etc.) are handled by the senior staff, leaving the first/tactical officer to concentrate on tactics and starting, leaving myself to concentrate on helm, timing, and overall command. We’re almost there, and I believe it’s the key to winning.

This year, I’m also establishing some awards for service above and beyond that of normal duty. They are as follows:

1. Organian Medal of Honor: Awarded to the officer who did his or her best to “keep the peace” in the most demanding of times.

2. The Photon Torpedo Award: Awarded to the officer who did the best in defending the ship against attacks, both alien and Federation.

3. The M-5 Award: Awarded to the officer who gathers, provides and/or computes the most data in order to make tactical decisions.

4. The Harry Fenton Mudd a/k/a Leo Walsh Medal of Honor: Awarded to the officer who takes the most abuse but keeps coming back for more.

5. The DeForest Kelley Memorial Medal: Awarded to the officer who has shown the most dedication to the Enterprise and Star Fleet over a single year.

I’ll be announcing award recipients and rank changes in the near future.

Captain’s Log: Stardate 10273.7
With the Enterprise safely in orbit, several members of the crew and myself formed a landing party onto the Race Committee boat along with a few members of the Bajoran scout ship, Significant Other (who usually races in an insignificant division.)

Not joining us for the final Wednesday of the season was Lt. Kurt (who received an order to stay home from his wife, the Admiral), Ensign Brad (who seems to have been missing in action since Deep Space Nine went off the air,) Lt. Deb (who’s probably been spending her Wednesdays with Brad) and Lt. Laura (letting her work ethic get in the way of an evening of fun -- shame on you, Babe!)

The winds were light, but we sent the racers on a long course anyway – especially once I received requests to keep the courses short. We found that doing committee gave us an unique perspective of the starting and finishing tactics of the other boats – which led us to wonder how we could ever lose to some of these guys.

Once the racers were off, the cooler and the munchie bags were opened. While I organized the finishing/scoring sheets, conversation started in the rear of the boat, while down below, Dave did a good job of tying Patty down to one of the berths. I was fairly impressed with both Dave’s knot-tying ability and Patty’s willingness to be tied down to a bed -- so much so that I doubted this was a debut performance for her. Patty did mention that her father reads the Captain’s Log (they have computers and internet in Canada?) and I should not go any further. You’re right Patty, much better to leave the rest up to daddy’s imagination.

At the end of the evening, Dave was suggesting a Soprano’s party (last time I checked, I was a Tenor) at his quarters in Yonkers, Richard was tractor-beamed home by the Intruder, Patty was grabbing up email addresses of Kings Point cadets and Lefty was ready to take a life if she didn’t get a hot fudge sundae.

Captain’s Log: Stardate 10272.6
Yesterday was a picture-perfect day in western Long Island Sound; Partly cloudy skies, a pleasant southerly breeze, sailboats throughout the area, and all alone, floating on the water, making it’s way north from Little Neck Bay, a six-foot, fully-erect, inflatable penis.

It’s just another Saturday on board the Starship Enterprise.

The Enterprise, with most of her crew on board, boldly entered the One-Handed Race, a one-sail-only regatta where the primary rule is that you must have a drink in one-hand at all times. In tow behind, our shuttlecraft Galileo, which was manned (or is that womanned?) by Ensign Patty, was also ready for the challenges ahead.

Also in the race were the starships Rubiyat, Frolic, Eagle, and a few others. Frolic also had her shuttle in tow (the Kegger), as did the Eagle (an inflatable, named the Insurance Claim.)

About half way into the race, Frolic was towing Galileo and Rubiyat was towing the Kegger (there’s a dingy-swapping rule) and that’s just about when everything went wrong. Frolic lost it’s hold on Galileo and we engaged warp drive to rescue it and our crewperson (who may have been running low on drinks.) Once we had a good hold of Galileo, Ensign Patty thought her hat was getting too wet and decided to throw it in the water (yes, it really happened that way.) Valuing her hat more than the safety of the shuttle or her own life, Patty jumped off of Galileo and dove for the hat. She climbed back on Galileo with her hat, but ended up swamping the small shuttle in the process. During her attempts to regain control, she fell overboard again. We went to red alert and began rescue operations in order of importance: Galileo first and then Patty.

As we got Galileo on board the ship, Patty was seen floating along in her life jacket and perhaps even swimming towards the 19-year-old studs manning the Kings Pointer. We decided to save her from being rescued by a boatload of cadets in their sexual prime and having to endure endless stints of 20-second lovemaking and got her back on board the Enterprise. As with any daring rescue operation, we suffered some losses: the bucket that was being used to bail Galileo and the Enterprise’s boarding ladder (something that we were looking to replace anyway.)

We then finished the race (not in last either) and rafted up with the other starships for drinks, food, halyard jumping, boom jumping and sort of weird boom humping that’s best left to the imagination than to be explained here.

Both Laura and Dave went swimming in the 76-degree water, and once fully soaked, Laura wanted to be sure to hug everyone. Perhaps if the water was colder…

We returned the mooring and established orbit long after sunset and straightened up for future active duty. All in all, it would be hard to imagine a better time.

Captain’s Log: Stardate 10271.8
Last night marked the triumphant return of Ensign Lefty and the crew of the Enterprise was treated to a very nice blow (I mean wind! Sheesh, guys. Get your mind out of the gutter, will ya?) Weather predictions called for the winds to be light and variable, but we now realize that they must have been referring to Richard and Brad’s participation this year. Instead, we had a pleasant 10mph breeze, capped off with a beautiful sunset and a full moon to light our way through the final frontier.

We started the race in first place and never once had a boat pass us. Was it because we wanted to go out with a bang? Was Lefty trashed on Greek whiskey? Was Richard trying to move back up in rank? The Enterprise corrected into second place, making our final Wednesday night racing the best performance for the season (next week, we’ll be doing Race Committee and sending Desperado to round Block Island.)

Once back at the mooring and establishing orbit, Lefty passed around shots of Greek whiskey (not only will it put hair on your chest, it’ll cover the back, arms, legs, and even a Canadian-flag-tattooed butt or two.) Plans were made for this Saturday’s One-Handed Regatta which includes the use of our shuttlecraft (Galileo), mixed drinks, and a whole lot of fun. Once concluded, Lieutenant Laura and Ensign Patty will pilot Galileo and race against Frolic’s shuttlecraft, the Kegger.

Unfortunately, the six-foot penis will not be making an appearance this weekend, because, strangely enough, Laura has lost it. We’re not quite sure how someone can actually lose a six-foot penis, but she maintains that it is missing. Ensign Patty (Laura’s roommate) was very quiet on the subject and for some strange reason, could not stop smiling last night. (Laura, check under Patty’s bed.)

Making an appearance, however, will be Pam, Mitch’s wife (It looks like she actually does exist.) Mitch has asked that we try to be on our best behavior, which I doubt is possible for us, but…

…maybe just enough so he doesn’t end up losing his penis.

Captain’s Log: Stardate 10269.9
Extremely high winds gusting to over 50mph kept all of last night’s racers off their boats last night as we all watched several boats come loose from their moorings and drift through the fleet, hitting other boats, mooring chains and rocks. Thankfully, the Enterprise held its orbit and was untouched.

After a few moments, we decided to go to Rhodes for dinner. Beforehand, however, recent intelligence reports from Section 31 were confirmed regarding Lt. Heald’s and Ensign McKee’s weekend post on board the USS Frolic for the Captain’s Island mission.

With little to no wind, Frolic abandoned the race and engaged their warp core – not to increase speed, but to channel enough auxiliary power to the alcoholic beverage mixer. ----------

[Transmission terminated. Authorization Code: A-12-3-B-22-Q.]

*** NOTICE ***
The remainder of this log entry
regarding the actions of several
high-ranking officers on board
key starships has been removed
by Section 31.

Captain’s Log: Stardate 10267.9
Last night, the breeze, air temperature and sunset were just about perfect. Our performance, on the other hand, was close to the other end of the spectrum.

After waiting a Stardate or two for division 4 to start properly, for the USS Wow to get untangled from the committee boat’s anchor line and for a committee course change, our start was mediocre, but we had good position and boat speed. As we approached the first mark (where just ahead, USS Hub Bub and the Romulan warbird This Is It were locked into some sort of conflict) the wind gusted up and caused some havoc with our mark rounding and spinnaker set. Once set, we accelerated to Warp 7 and tried to fix things as we went.

Then came the jibe, which almost cost Lt. Commander Dave Beaver his head. It was his work, however, along with Ensign Mitch Nochlin, Lt. Laura Heald, Lt. Kurt vonRoeschlaub, Ensign Patty McKee and Lt. Commander Jory Stark, that kept the Enterprise at top speed and the spinnaker under control. We rounded the leeward mark ahead of the Klingon vessel Desperado.

Once rounded, though, our sail control was lost, because of the number of people on board concentrating on the take-down and preparing the Enterprise for upwind tacking. It took us some time to get things settled and head towards the finish.

What really cost us was the missing crewmembers: Lt. Deb was missing in action along with Ensign Brad (who?) Ensign Lefty is still in Greece tossing cookies and spritzing herself with lavender mist, and Commander (!) Richard broke yet another promise that he would be there every week. The Intruder has him so whipped and under her control that we could almost hear the late DeForest Kelley yelling out “Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor, not an exorcist.” Richard, despite the change in rank, is still First Officer, but Lt. Commander Dave, head or no head, may soon be taking that slot if this behavior and blatant disregard for Star Fleet duty continues.

We got to the clubhouse and processed the results, while Laura met her “date,” a gentleman from the Orion vessel, Folly Too. The rest of us began to speculate on his age (Deb, you’ve been one-upped) and called it a night.

And poor Laura was left to dream of Canadian hockey players’ sticks and reruns of “This Old House.” (This is about as “inside” as an “inside joke” can get.)