Captain’s Log: Stardate 10352.3
It’s been a couple of weeks since my last log entry, mostly due to a change in subspace channels at work resulting in crippled transmissions (translation: we switched DSL carriers at work and the connection was lost followed by an amazingly-slow data transfer rate – we’re switching back.)

Anyway, much like this log, I’ll go in reverse chronological order, starting with last night: Expecting an all-out barrage of rain and thunderstorms accompanied by light winds, we were all pleasantly surprised with the 10 knot breeze and clearing skies. Looking out to the race course, we could see that there were parts of the water which had much more breeze than other parts. It wasn’t going to be about boat speed. It was all about tactics.

The gay Klingon warship Neverland Express (to correct Seinfeld, not that there’s anything wrong with being gay, but a gay Klingon? That’s just sick) made the right tactical move early on, with a solo course to the right side of the course. They pulled ahead of us by quite a bit and it was up to us to turn that around. A few well-executed tacks and a close eye on wind channels quickly changed the situation, putting us light years ahead. Our spinnaker set was flawed, but not uncorrectable. We crossed the line first and stayed there on corrected time. Another well-earned victory for the Enterprise.

Meanwhile, about two sectors back, Neverland Express was playing chicken with a barge. Every racer on the course (about 46 boats) could hear the barge captain yelling at Neverland over his PA. Not everything was audible from our distance, but the word “stupid” came through loud and clear.

The Friday before was the fourth of July, and the Enterprise once again celebrated the birth of America by joining other starships for a fireworks display. Ensign Hil and Lt. Commander Jory came along and were a big help in keeping everything in order. It was a great night despite some idiot’s self-induced seasickness resulting in his being loaded onto five police boats and an ambulance.

I recognized one of the police boats, which sparked a conversation between myself and one of the officers:

Me: “Wow. This police boat has been around for a long time.”
Cop: “Yes it has.”
Me: “I remember being pulled over by this boat when I was a kid.”
Cop: “How come?”
Me: “I was driving too fast in a friend’s Whaler.”
Cop: “A troublemaker, huh? I’ll have to keep an eye on you. What’s your name?”
Me: “Jeff Ohstrom.”

Meanwhile, ex-Starfleet officer Lt. Laura, who is still with Ronnie the Romulan, and who is clearly taking on some Romulan traits of her own (by injection, of course) left planet Canada and, knowing the home would be empty, illegally entered the home of Ensign Patty and took away “her” items which included, amazingly enough, the doors. It seems that Patty and Laura are involved in some kind of quarrel surrounding Lt. Laura’s illegal activity of collecting rent money income from another country. Star Fleet is worried that such a dispute could escalate to the bombings of the Baldwins and the Arquettes, leading to a war with Canada, and forcing our military to use Operation Human Shield as a tactic (“Haven’t you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?” “I don’t listen to hip hop.”)

That brings us to last Wednesday. The conditions were great and the currents were strong. All in all, we sailed a good race, but some bad choices and a slow jibe cost us the 36 seconds that kept us out of first place. In the end, I look at the race as a victory as the crew is getting better and better at what they do. I felt it was only a matter of time before we took a first again (and if you see the third paragraph of the entry, I was right!)

That evening, Lt. Mitch and Ensign Lefty were on their way home in an Eagle crewman’s shuttlecraft when Bill, the owner of the shuttle, rammed into another vehicle causing minimal damage to the shuttle (a scratch,) but, according to her attorneys, maximum damage to Lefty. Claims of severe neck trauma and brain damage (which arguably could be a pre-existing condition) are being handled by Lefty’s crack legal team at Dewey, Cheatum & Howe. Early reports show that Bill has hired his own firm of Wacker, Packer & Sacker and Mitch, unclear as to which side to take in the matter has employed the Bush administration law firm, Schock & Awwe (with offices in New York, Washington, Baghdad and coming soon to Africa.)