Captain’s Log: Stardate 10566.3
The Enterprise is back home today after her first long distance cruise to the outer reaches of Long Island Sound. Our farthest destination, Saybrook Point Marina, was a great place to stay with indoor and outdoor pools, whirlpool and full-service spa, but at $3.75 a foot, there was a part of me that wished the old Enterprise made the trip instead.

But, it was a great opportunity to test some of ship’s systems that don’t normally get used while racing, such as the 110-volt shore power system, the Nova Kool refrigerator and, my absolute favorite, the Steering Under Laziness Utensil, hereafter to be referred to as SULU, but also known as the Robertson Autopilot.

It was heaven. Sitting in a lounge chair on the bow at Warp 7.2. Course laid in. SULU is on the helm. Never tired. Always on course.

And then -- Red Alert! A lobster pot dead ahead! Red Alert!

Nah -- Belay that Red Alert. Grab the remote control and adjust heading to go around and then go back on course. Crisis averted – and all without spilling your drink. Did I mention it was heaven?

All systems worked extremely well, even during the long, 10-hour, 66-mile, voyage home (we came back a day early because of weather concerns,) and the ship is ready for Wednesday’s adventure, although it looks like we’re VERY short on crew. Lefty never came back, her friend Sharon never showed, Mitch is away, Bill is away, Ryan is working, Phil’s in Europe, and Sid may be putting an Order of Protection on his Instant Messenger. We need to recruit for the rest of this year and for next.

Captain’s Log: Stardate 10564.1
This past weekend marked this Enterprise’s first distance race, and after some arguments with the Race Committee about division placement (the split the 90-raters and put us in the same division as a few planet-size speedsters rating as low as -33,) we started our run down Long Island Sound.

On board for the adventure were Commander Dave, Commander Richard, Commander Jory, Lieutenant Mitch, Lieutenant Kurt (who tested the limits of the new electric head – again and again and again and again and again) and Captain Richie Coar from the USS Chaika. With a fast reaching spinnaker set and Captain Coar’s constant spinnaker trim tips to Lt. Mitch, we were determined to be a contender – despite the light winds and the speed/size of our competition.

On the way out, we kept close to a direct course, which appeared to be a bad tactical move because most of the fleet that started after us passed us to the south. Luckily, a surprise northerly came in and carried us to be one of the first few boats to round the mark.

Once around, though, the wind went very light and decisions needed to be made. After some careful consideration based on what usually happens in August on Long Island Sound and what we could see on the water, we took the light northerly breeze south in hopes to find a southerly. For hours and hours, we inched towards Oyster Bay, hoping . . . wishing . . .

Conversation left sailing as concentration became an issue. Dave and Kurt spend their time discussing cartoons like Spongebob Squarepants and Danger Mouse. It was difficult to join in the conversation when the only cartoon reference I could come up with was the election time repeat one I saw the night before where Stan, despite prodding from Kyle and Cartman, couldn’t understand the reason to vote when his choices for a new school mascot was between a Giant Douche or a Turd Sandwich.

So we continued on, slowly, searching, hoping . . .

And there it was – dark blue water. Wind! Chute down, jib out, we accelerated to Warp 7 in a glorious sail along the Long Island shore in the setting sun.

We finished in second place, marking the first piece of silver for the Enterprise-B. And I know it won’t be the last.

Captain’s Log: Stardate 10563.0
Commander Richard, my father, has been in Sate Fe for the last two weeks, missing two Wednesday Night Races in a row. When on board, Richard handles tactics, calls sail trim and helps with the main upwind. Even as the oldest member of the crew, he’s still “one of the boys,” enjoying all the humor no matter how low it may go. He’s come up with ideas on how to better rig the ship and cleans the little flywheel thingy underwater that keeps us monitoring the warp drive (Yes, I know it’s a transducer, but “flywheel thingy” sounds better.) He’s made a real effort to be on board for most of the races and even helps with some of the bills.

That being said, we really, really, really missed Dave last night.

On board was Commander Jory (on foredeck), Lt. Mitch, Lt. Kurt, Ensign Bill, Ensign Sid, Ozzy, Kurt’s nephew and Ozzy’s friend Kay, who was so skinny that she could have been a telltale. When we assigned her the position of crew weight, I should have known the night would be doomed to failure.

Our start was great. Middle of the line (the RC boat was slightly favored) and we pushed Matriarch over early (they missed the radio call, so we, adding insult to injury, were the ones who called them back.) Unfortunately, it was downhill from there. Our tacks were slow because Sid didn’t quite match Dave’s usual foredeck spring maneuver and Mitch’s right arm isn’t as strong or as fast as it used to be (which I suppose is a compliment to his wife.)

Our spinnaker set was slow and when we tried a jibe, we, well, missed. The pole somehow escaped Jory’s reach and went right back up on starboard. We jibed the main back and tried again with better results. We gained ground on a few boats, especially Wuestwind, who was flying their chute in an hourglass configuration so big that it could easily be mistaken for a “Days of Our Lives” promo. The first take down went well, but we lost standing upwind when I was told that we were clear to tack and we were not. Now we were in the back of the fleet, trying to gain ground.

And we did. We passed Eagle and rounded the windward mark again ahead of him. Our second chute set went well and thanks to some 15mph gusts and a shift, we accelerated downwind at Warp 7.5. Rounding the leeward mark would be tricky and would require that the chute be dropped and cleared so we can jibe around the mark. Meat Loaf once said “Now, don’t be sad, ‘cause two out of three ain’t bad.” Well he was wrong. We rounded. We jibed. The chute did not come down. Oh the humanity! The Enterprise pretty much dropped to sublight as the rest of the fleet took off and we tried to drop the chute, which was now nicely wrapped in the spreader.

We finished the race after a nice moonlit sail upwind. Commander Jory did come to the bridge and assumed responsibility for the night’s race, but after some time, stated that it was all Karen’s fault (Dave’s wife.) We got back to the mooring, straightened things up, and then debated whether or not we should send Kay up the mast to fix the windex and plug in the wind instruments – and if we did, whether or not we would need a winch.

Enterprise is ready for the Distance Race this weekend. All crew must report to the ship no later than 0900 Hours.

Captain's Log: Stardate 10561.4
Today, after sending out the protest committee findings regarding the collision between Choucas and En Garde, I received a message from the Suliban captain of Choucas. For the sake of posterity, I am including his message (with spelling and grammar corrections made), as well as my reply, below:


The Message:


You might not be able to find the time to write a protest committee ruling in a timely fashion, but you seem to be finding plenty of time to write a Captain's log full of derogatory comments on your fellow sailing competitors.

One example from your log relating to the Race 9 incident, you write, amongst other nasty comments: "the captain of Choucas is also known in the quadrant as The Terrorist" Such a statement is insulting and of poor taste. In my view, you do not have the decency necessary to serve as the chairman of EBYRA.

Fred, Captain of Choucas

PS. I also would like to add that there are many countries in the world with french speaking of them is Switzerland.


And my reply:


First and foremost, the Enterprise Captain's Log is not an official EBYRA communication outlet and is generally perceived, and correctly so, as a satirical view of happenings on board my boat as well as the events in Eastchester Bay. The log has never once interfered with my ability, as Commodore, to effectively govern the Eastchester Bay Yacht Racing Association.

The entry you are referring to was written before the hearing and before any facts were found. and, it takes far less time, or concentration, to write a couple of funny paragraphs than to write a five-page synopsis of witness testimony, rules, findings and rulings.

And, while I was not the one who started the "terrorist" nickname (it began in 2002 when you, officially, as a representative of the interests of Stuyvesant Yacht Club, adamantly refused an inclusion in the Sailing Instructions that on September 11, 2002, the one-year anniversary of the terrorist attack on New York City, that all boats are suggested (not required -- suggested) to fly an American flag for the duration of the race) it should be noted that nobody has ever taken the comments in the Log seriously. Nobody actually believes you are a terrorist -- as much as nobody actually believes that Vince Nanni really is a Pope, that Robin Ricca is really a lost member of the Bee Gees, that the crew of Neverland Express are really gay Klingons, that Norm of Tolo really wants to kick Kevin of Surcease in the balls, that one of my crew has sex with goats, that Sandy Wolf is a "Hairy Horta", or that a former female Canadian crewperson of mine was really some sort of super-charged turbo-slut.

Lighten up. Even you have to admit the comment in the Log about the irony of a French-speaking person not yelling out "En Garde!" before hitting En Garde was funny.

Nevertheless, if you believe that I do not have the decency to serve as EBYRA Commodore, I respect your right to express your opinion as it is every person's right in this country. Please feel free to express your views to your club's representative so that the next time there is an election, your name can be entered on the ballot as a new Commodore. Good luck with that.

Finally, as for your PS comment -- I'm not really sure of the point you're trying to make. I guess congratulations are in order for the whole Switzerland thing.

Let's put this behind us, get back to racing and have some fun. The season's going by at Warp Speed.

All the best,

Edd Schillay
Captain of the Starship Enterprise

Captain’s Log: Stardate 10561.1
The conditions could not have been better for last night’s race. With 10-12 knots of breeze coming out of the Southwest, the Enterprise, a little short on crew, was ready to move.

On board for two races, and a client of Mitch’s, was Ozzy.

No, not that Ozzy. Another Ozzy. A less confused Ozzy. This Ozzy was a big help on the bridge both upwind and downwind taking Ensign Phil’s temporarily-vacant position. Unfortunately, Ozzy will only be out one more week before he heads out to Sri Lanka to ride a buffalo or whatever else they do in Sri Lanka.

Back from Burbank, Lt.Kurt returned to the main and, hold on to your seats, committed for the Distance Race.

Our start last night, was adventuresome. On the line, over the line, around stalled boats, find clear air and woosh! Not over early. Great job by the crew for all the line handling during all of the evasive maneuvers. It really paid off.

We crossed tacks with most of the fleet on the first upwind leg, had a slow, but neat spinnaker set and rounded the leeward mark ahead of four boats. Going back upwind, we went to the right again and continued crossing tacks with the fleet. On our approach to the windward mark the second time, the new Crossbow tacked right into us. We did a fast tack and made the mark anyway. And, instead of protesting the boat, we just decided to beat him on the water. And, with speeds over Warp 7.8 downwind, we did.

We finished 6 minutes out of first (getting better) and finished ahead of Crossbow and En Garde. What a fabulous night.

Finally, we're all set for the Distance Race on August 20 -- and have just secured Richie Coar (Captain of USS Chaika) as crew on the Enterprise.

Captain’s Log: Stardate 10560.3
There were two orders I gave this weekend that really made me feel good. The first was on Sunday morning. We had just arrived at the starting area for the CIYC Day Race and there was no wind in sight. After spending the last several days inundated with work and getting about three hours of sleep a night, I said “Lt. Jory, you have the conn. I’ll be in my quarters.” And sure enough, Jory took over and I got some much needed rest in my cabin. Heaven.

It was during that rest that USS Eagle and USS Exuberance launched a surprise attack on the Enterprise with small water cannons. With zero damage and a little moisture, they left. I awoke and made my way back up to the bridge. We started the impulse drive and did a wide, slow turn at one-quarter impulse power towards Eagle. Commanders Dave and Jory armed the Photon Bucket Torpedoes and stood ready. Our speed was slow enough to look like we were drifting – all part of my tactics. At about five boat lengths, we went to red alert, targeted Eagle and went to full impulse power. Eagle couldn’t get away fast enough and we fired several times, hard.

We then turned towards the unsuspecting Exuberance whose impulse power was off completely. We did several high-speed runs, unleashing the awesome firepower of the Enterprise onto their crew. That’s where the second order came into play. “Lock all weapons on the girl with the pink top – and use the coldest water you can! Use ice if you have to! Fire!” And, of course, the intrepid crew of the Enterprise did as they were told. It was quite a sight (or a couple of sights, depending on how you look at.)

The day before, Saturday, we had the Women Skipper’s Race where Lt. Patty took the conn of the Enterprise. Note to Roche Pharmaceuticals USA: Please manufacture more Valium – you’re out. I swallowed about 6 bottles alone when I asked Patty to tack to avoid a collision when, instead, she decided to turn the boat towards the collision. I saw my entire life flash before my eyes and wasn’t too crazy about the ending. Luckily, the other boat avoided too and the disaster was averted. Still, it was a fun race and we’ll never forget when changing direction downwind, the command changed from “Jibe Ho!” to “Ho Jibing!”

The Day Race on Sunday did finally get going, but the winds were too light for our starship and the course choice left us with very few tactical choices (one tack and one jibe.) Not a great job by the committee.

Captain’s Log: Stardate 10559.2
Short on crew, the Enterprise headed towards the race course in a lot of heat, but surprisingly enough, a decent breeze. After a short delay with the race committee figuring out the course, we had a 10-second late start. Thankfully, in the first 100 yards of the upwind leg, we accelerated past Eagle and then never saw them again.

The tacking team really started to find their groove and the Enterprise, like it’s predecessor, was in 8-second tack mode. Hanging on the right side of the course, we were with the rest of the fleet.

Our spinnaker set went well and only a little confusion regarding crew positions kept us from perfect jibes. Then came the take down . . .

At about three boat lengths away from the leeward mark, I gave the order to unfurl the headsail and then do the chute take down. However, during the unfurling, the furler line was tangled and was holding things up. Commander Richard went to the problem gave it a few tugs, then stared intensely at the tangle, apparently using his higher-brain telekinetic powers to actually will the tangle clear.

Now we all know he has no such powers. But in his defense, the tangle didn’t.

Well, it does now. After a few seconds, I said “Don’t stare at it. Fix it.” He did and the headsail was free again. We rounded ahead of Andiamo and went right again towards the second upwind mark.

And then the most amazing thing happened. We were crossing tacks with the J105s and Chaika. And, we rounded ahead of Chaika. The final downwind leg was a real challenge as the wind died down and much effort was spent looking for wind channels. We did many jibes – most very well. We finished 10 minutes out of first – a vast improvement from previous races.

We’re all set for the Women Skippers Race where Patty will take the conn. Oh well, it was a nice ship while we had her.